The Hardest Thing
by Yanagawa Hanako
Summary: Nuriko gets his heart broken, but someone else is there to help him through. Shonen ai/Yaoi (Hotohori x Nuriko, Tasuki + Nuriko)


The Hardest Thing  
  
Genre: Yaoi, songfic, angst, sap.  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Pairings: Hotohori x Nuriko, Tasuki x Nuriko  
  
Warnings: Yaoi, angst, sap, and because of my track record, I feel the need to warn you of unplanned, spontaneous bouts of random humor, they may or may not occur, just blame Thalia, my comedy muse if they do.  
  
Summary: Nuriko gets his heart broken, but someone else is there to help him through.  
  
*NOTE*~ I do not own the song The Hardest Thing, It is preformed by 98 degrees and therefore I am saying it belongs to them.  
  
*'nother note*~  
  
//song lyrics//, / 'Thoughts'/  
  
  
  
Hotohori paced back and forth in his room, this was going to be one of the hardest things he had ever done, but he knew it was the right thing to do, and if not the right thing, at least the necessary thing. He was going to break Nuriko's heart tonight, he didn't want to, but he could do nothing about it.  
  
//We both know that I shouldn't be here this is wrong //  
  
He watched as the slender figure entered the room, his lavender hair bound in it's customary braid, his steps timid unsure, as anyone would be if they where entering into the private chambers of the emperor, or those of a lover who said they needed to 'talk'. Seeing the look of concern, and slight fear washed over the usually jovial face made him almost feel sick with regret over what he was about to do.  
  
"What was it you wanted to talk about?" The smaller seishi asked, his voice openly displaying the apprehension Hotohori had sensed earlier, and looking heart wrenchingly innocent as he did so, his rose colored eyes seemed larger than usual, and fixed directly on him with his head cocked to one side in a questioning pose. Hotohori just wanted to pull the other man into his arms and hold him for eternity, but he knew that if he held Nuriko once more it would hurt even more when the time came to let go.  
  
// And baby it's killing me, it's killing you, both of us tryin' to be strong //  
  
"As you know, as the emperor it is my duty to marry and produce and heir" He started slowly, and as gently as possible, though he could already tell from Nuriko's expression, the other seishi knew right where the conversation was headed.  
  
/ 'How can I do this to him when he's standing there like that? Looking so distressed and expectant. He's not making this any easier.'/  
  
Nuriko bit his lip and frowned slightly at Hotohori's statement, he had suspected where this 'talk' the emperor had requested of him would go, but his mind had kept reassuring him that it wasn't what he thought, that there was some other matter that Hotohori had wanted to talk to him about, but in his heart he knew what was coming. He'd heard the words in his head eighteen hundred times over and now it was time to hear them in verity.  
  
//I've got somewhere else to be promises to keep, someone else who loves me and trusts me fast asleep//  
  
He felt his stomach turn with discomfiture as the other seishi paused, as if contemplating the best way to let him down, the best way to say that it was over, while knowing full way that there was no good way to do it  
  
//I've made up my mind, there is no turning back //  
  
  
  
Hotohori drew in a deep breath before continuing his address. "And I don't want my future wife to live the life my mother did, a bitter, lonely, love- less marriage, so I feel it would be best for us to discontinue our relationship, so to prevent you from getting too attached"  
  
//She's been good to me, and she deserves better than that//  
  
/' Oh, gods, how am I going to do this, how can I lie to him and tell him everything we had was a lie?'/  
  
He followed Nuriko's expression once again and felt his heart torn from the look of hurt and agony on the delicate heart-shaped face. Every glance the emperor took in the direction of the smaller man made every word more grievous to beget.  
  
//It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do, to look you in the eye and tell you I don't love you//  
  
"What we had was a lot of fun" he proceeded feeling his voice, and the rest of his body as well, shake with the torment of the deception he was about to enact. "And I know I enjoyed it for it's,... stress relieving properties, being the emperor is a difficult task on its own, but when paired with the duty of being a Suzaku seishi as well the pressure becomes nearly unbearable, and I do want to thank you for the relaxation help you were"  
  
"That's all I was to you?" Nuriko spat out his anger quickly rising  
  
"What?" Hotohori asked, with false pompous shock "You expected someone like you to 'mean' something to me? I'm just glad you were so devoted that you didn't see through me earlier"  
  
"So you never loved me? It was all a lie to keep me in bed with you?" He asked expression softening from anger to suffering  
  
The taller seishi didn't answer him, he just shook his head, bowing it to try to hide the pain he felt from hurting the one he really did love, and so he wouldn't see the tears welling in the other's rose-colored eyes.  
  
//It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie to show no emotion when you start to cry//  
  
Nuriko wanted to yell, he wanted to curse, he wanted to say so many hurtful things to tear the heart of the monster who stood before him, but he found himself frozen unable to speak, unable to move only capable of standing there, tears welling in his eyes staring and repeating the same four words over and over again in his head like a mantra  
  
/'I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry.'/  
  
He squeezed his eyes shut to stop the flow, it would just give the emperor a sense of satisfaction knowing that he had succeeded in making him cry, he had known from the beginning that what they had was never going to be permanent, but he had though Hotohori would at least be kind enough to let him down gently and give them one last night in each others arms.  
  
//I can't let you see what you mean to me when my hands are tied and my heart's not free, we're not meant to be//  
  
"Well, do you have something more to say or are you going to leave already?" The emperor asked coldly  
  
At that tone and proclamation, Nuriko found himself unable to curb the tears any longer and they fell down his cheeks angrily, burning as they flowed.  
  
"Gods, you had me fooled, I really though there was more to you under those royal robes and narcissism, but now I see that you're just a cold, heart- less, stupid, condescending, insolent, egotistical bastard!" He half shouted, half wept as he ran from the room, tears still coursing freely, lavender braid following him. Hotohori just turned around so he wouldn't have to watch him run off wounded, and to suppress the urge to run after.  
  
//It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do to turn around and walk away pretending I don't love you//  
  
Hotohori sat down at his dressing table and rested his head in his hands, and thought about what he had done, the many times he had gone over it in his head before it had never sounded half as hurtful as it had when it had come from his lips. He really did love Nuriko, but their love... it just wasn't right and as much as he loved the other an he knew it had been time to let go, he just wished he could have done it without breaking the other's heart.  
  
//I know that we'll meet again, fate has a place and time. So you can get on with your life I've got to be cruel to be kind. Like Dr. Zhivago all my love I'll be sending, and you will never know 'cause there can be no happy ending//  
  
His mind kept replaying every hurt expression, the pain he saw in those beautiful eyes. Pain he had caused. it killed him inside, but he knew that it would have been harder had he done it any other way.  
  
//It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do, to look you in the eye and tell you I don't love you. It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie to show no emotion when you start to cry. I can't let you see what you mean to me, when my hands are tied and my heart's not free. We're not meant to be. It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do, to turn around and walk away pretending I don't love you//  
  
  
  
Nuriko continued running and sobbing, turning the heads of all the servants he past, not caring. He flung the door to his room open and didn't bother to close it again simply throwing himself on the bed and curling up around a pillow to cry.  
  
/'How could he have done this to me? The least he could have done was just say he at least *CARED* about me a little, it doesn't matter if he really loved me or not, if he had at least cared about something more than his damn *stress relief* that's all I was to him? Gods, I was so stupid thinking I was more'/  
  
He buried himself deeper in the pillow hoping that he might accidentally suffocate himself or something, anything to rid him of the pain he felt deep inside him, the pain of not being loved of being led on when in reality he had just been the emperor's fuck toy. It hurt, worse than anything ever in his life and he just wanted it all to end.  
  
  
  
Tasuki was bored, that was the only way to describe it, he couldn't sleep and there was nothing for him to do in the palace, so he was wandering, just walking up and down corridors, occasionally scaring the hell out of a maid or another servant. He grinned at this accomplishment, but his grin quickly faded as he passed Nuriko's open door and heard, sobbing?  
  
He peeked in and saw the other seishi curled up on the bed shaking. Tasuki knew that he shouldn't go in there, for a variety of reason's one being that if Nuriko wasn't up to company he could find himself smashed through a wall, another being that he had *FEELINGS* for Nuriko, and he didn't want to accidentally reveal them and lose himself a friend. Despite the reasons not to, he found thousands more in favor of entering so he slipped quietly into the room, closing the door behind him and went to sit lightly on the edge of the bed, close to, but not disturbing the crying man.  
  
"Nuriko, what's wrong?" He asked as gently as was possible for him, brushing a few stray hairs away to gain him visual access to that beautiful face, the face that taunted him and dared him to admit his feelings to the world  
  
"'S nothin'" came the reply from within the pillow "Go 'way"  
  
"Shit Nuriko!" He cried, his short patience being broken already "You're not just lying here fucking bawling for no reason, just tell me what's wrong!!"  
  
Unfortunately his harsh words did not have the desired effect on the smaller seishi, only causing him to curl up even tighter into a little ball and clutch the pillow as if it contained his life force  
  
"Aw shit Nuriko" he moaned, feeling instantly bad for his outburst "I'm sorry, please just tell me what's wrong"  
  
"You have the word 'please' in your vocabulary?" Nuriko asked with a hint of amusement, sitting up slightly to look at the bandit who was staring back at him.  
  
"Yeah, well you learn new things every day" Tasuki said with a half smile, taking in Nuriko's red nose and blotchy, tear streaked face. He reached one finger out tentatively to wipe away the moisture he found there, the then examined the finger as if it contained some rare element, rubbing it against his thumb and feeling the wetness.  
  
"Why are you crying?" He asked again, more softly more gently  
  
"Hotohori" The older man managed to hiccup out tears starting up again  
  
"What did he do to you?" The red haired bandit asked trying to keep his anger from flaring up  
  
"He . . . told me . . . it was over . . . he never loved me... just used me for damn stress relief!"  
  
Tasuki had to try really hard now not to get up and run down to emperor's chambers and flame him with his tessen, though he knew that would accomplish nothing and probably just make everything worse. He just put his arms around Nuriko who stiffened for a moment then instinctively softened to the embrace and buried his head in Tasuki's chest.  
  
Tasuki searched his head for soothing words that wouldn't frighten or anger the smaller man and he found himself slightly lost, so he just tightened the hold around him and softly murmured things that he thought might help just a little bit.  
  
"Shh... daijobu,... it's gonna be ok, it's all right" he whispered clutching the still shaking figure to his chest and pulling him up more into his lap. He continued this for what seemed like an eternity, but probably wasn't more than twenty minutes, until the shaking and the sobbing stopped and Nuriko looked up at him with wide, reddened, rose colored eyes  
  
"Will you stay here, with me tonight?" He asked timidly visibly bracing himself for rejection  
  
Tasuki formed a million and one protests in his mind, but in the end he just said "Sure"  
  
Nuriko pulled himself up to look the younger seishi in the eye, contemplating the face that he was encountered with, amber eyes burning with emotion, and a soft concerned look on the usually rough smirking face, he was also contemplating why he wanted, more than anything in the world to press his lips against the ones he was faced with now, but no, he couldn't, it was too risky, Tasuki couldn't feel that way for him, could he? No, he would just get called a pervert and made fun of.  
  
Tasuki found him self staring intently at the face looking up at him, he really wanted to kiss him, he shouldn't he knew that, he would probably find himself smashed through the wall or some other equally painful fate, and even if Nuriko wanted it, it wasn't right, he had just had his heart broken and the last thing Tasuki wanted to do was to take advantage of his friend.  
  
Unconsciously both seishi moved their heads closer to each other, both oblivious to the other's encroachment, until their lips touched, just for a second and both felt a shock at the point of contact and both pulled away and turned their head from the other, and stayed that way for a few tense minutes until they both turned to face each other again.  
  
"Gomen!" they exclaimed in unison both wincing at what they where afraid would happen to them and at the blush they both felt rising in their respective cheeks  
  
"We both kissed each other didn't we?" Nuriko asked doubtfully biting his bottom lip in apprehension  
  
"Yeah, I guess we did" Tasuki said with a fanged smile that nearly made Nuriko swoon  
  
"So you'd be up to doing it again?" The smaller seishi asked, not waiting for an answer before pulling him in for another kiss, this time it was more that a quick pressing of lips, but something more deep and passionate as Nuriko parted his lips allowing access to Tasuki's tongue and they stayed locked until they had to part for air  
  
"Will you stay here with me tonight?" Nuriko asked, breathless  
  
"I wouldn't leave if you asked me to" Tasuki said laying the older man gently back on the bed, capturing his soft lips once again, definitely happy he had been bored.  
  
  
  
Owari!  
  
  
  
Ok, be nice, this was my first Fushigi Yuugi fic, feedback, please!!! 


End file.
